The Threshold of Tolerance: How to Tell When Your Nervous System Feels Safe
Your range of tolerance shapes how calm, connected, and balanced you feel. Learn how to recognize when you're regulated, when you're overwhelmed, and how to gently expand your nervous system's capacity.
Most people don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “Ah yes, today I shall contemplate my threshold tolerance for bull shit.” (or maybe you do, and if you do then you're in the right place).
If you are anything like me then it's probably more along the lines of “Why is my kid screaming like that? We don't own farm equipment...”, or "where did I leave my coffee?”, or "why does my to-do list grow faster than my hair?”
Even if you don't wake up wondering where you put that massive dose of patience you earned at yoga class yesterday, it's ok. Today we are going to break down why some days we can feel like the Dalai Lama, and other days we are revving our chainsaws and getting ready to burn the place down. It isn't just our mindsets (or hormones), or that we didn't hit that extra yoga class last week (not totally anyway).
What we need to talk about is that everything you experience, like your mood, patience, creativity, decision-making, energy, the way you handle stress, and the way you talk to people you love flows through the state of your nervous system.
And the most helpful way to understand your actual capacity on any given day is this deceptively simple concept: the threshold of Tolerance.
Now, you may have heard it talked about as a "window of tolerance" but I call it a threshold. I’ve taught this for years, and the more work I do with stress physiology, perimenopause, trauma, polyvagal theory (both the classic and my “rewilded” version), the more obvious it becomes that most of what we call “personality” or “motivation” is actually… nervous system ranges.
We are talking about your capacity, your internal margin. Yes, your real limits. And most people don’t actually know where their real zone is, because they’ve spent years (sometimes decades) pushing past it without realizing they left the building three nervous system states ago.
Today we’re fixing that.
What Even Is the Threshold of Tolerance?
Like I already mentioned, you may have heard this particular idea talked about as a "window of tolerance" and I really am talking about the same thing, just using a little bit of a different wording. When I talk about the threshold of Tolerance, I am really talking first about a range of signals that we are able to tolerate without hitting the threshold that tells us we are now in a "danger zone". When we hit our limit (threshold) then our nervous systems are no longer able to communicate safety to our brains.
Simply, this range is basically a zone where your nervous system feels safe enough to function like the real “you.” And this range is where we are able to "human". As long as we are within this range of tolerance then things are good and our bodies keep us in a neutral state (I am simplifying here, it really isn't neutral but it can feel that way, it's more that we don't feel the need to fight/flight/freeze/appease). Humans are able to function fully in their safe ranges, but if something pushes them over the threshold, then the nervous system no longer signals "safe" and our inner dialogue shifts from "things are good and I am safe" to "I need to get away" or "I need to fight".
Inside your range is where you are able to do things like:
Think clearly
You feel grounded
Your reactions match the situation (not overreaction)
You’re more patient than you expected to be
Creativity takes place
You can connect with people without feeling like you want to flee the room
This is your regulated state, which is not perfectly calm, not blissed-out, and not floating in a Himalayan monastery. Your regulated state is steady, adaptive, and appropriately responsive to the situations that you are in.
Outside your window? Welcome to the thunder dome. This is where you start doing things like:
Snapping at small things
Feeling wired, jumpy, overreactive
Feeling shut down, numb, checked out
Nihilism (nothing has purpose)
Injustice, lack of fairness
Panic storms
Emotional whiplash
Exhaustion that no supplement on earth can fix
Brain fog
The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” spiral
Most people don’t realize that these states aren’t moral failures or character flaws. They’re just the nervous system trying to protect you using very old evolutionary programming. Think about trying to use a program like zoom or google meets, but with the first Macintosh computer.... the program would literally seize up the equipment. That's the human nervous system trying to function through the modern lifestyle that we have built. And we just expect that it will be ok, when really we aren't doing anything to support it or speak in a language that it understands.
How Your Range Got So Small (Because Yes, It Shrinks)
Everyone's threshold tolerance for bull shit is different.... and shaped by different things like:
Development and attachment
Stress load
Trauma
Chronic inflammation
Hormones (hello perimenopause)
Sleep quality
Nutrition
Movement
Environment
Your lived experiences
If you are in perimenopause, a parent, highly sensitive, neurodivergent, carrying past trauma, or living through these very strange and dysregulated cultural moments, your threshold is probably smaller than you think. And that is not because you are difficult, it's because you live in a world that you were not made for.
And there is something very important here to keep in mind:
Your brain will normalize whatever you repeat.
If you’ve spent years in survival mode, your system will think that is your window. But it’s not. It’s just the state you adapted to.
You’re supposed to have a window that includes rest, joy, creativity, flexibility, nuance, and connection, not just “I made it through another day without setting anything on fire.”
How to Know When You’re Inside Your Range
So, now let’s talk about cues... and these are the actual signs your nervous system is in a workable, grounded, regulated zone. These are subtle, but once you start noticing them, you will start to recognize them more and more.
1. Your breathing feels natural
Not forced, not shallow, not held without knowing it.
Regulated breathing sounds boring, but it’s basically the nervous system’s love language.
2. You can take in the room instead of scanning it for threats
Your gaze softens. Your shoulders drop. Your peripheral awareness comes back online.
3. You can tolerate pauses
This is a big one, particularly if you are trying to use meditation as a method of self-awareness. An unregulated person trying to sit still in silence is not going to get the results that you want. Silence doesn’t feel dangerous. Waiting doesn’t feel like abandonment. Stillness doesn’t feel like you’re about to explode.
If this aspect in particular interests you, check out my article on meditation and why we need to bring nervous system science into the conversation about regulation.
4. Your thoughts feel like they’re coming from you
Not the panicked narrator. Not the doom brain. Not the part of you that thinks everything is an emergency.
5. You can feel your body without wanting to crawl out of it
You notice sensations, but they don’t overwhelm you.
6. Your emotions have space
You can feel angry without blowing up. You can feel sad without collapsing. You can be disappointed without spiraling.
7. You’re curious instead of defensive
Curiosity is the ultimate marker of safety.
8. You feel connected
To yourself. To others. To the present moment.
If you’re checking even a few of these boxes in a moment — congratulations, you’re inside your range of safety.
How to Know When You’re Leaving Your Range of Tolerance
Most people skip this part they don’t notice the threshold. They only notice the aftermath.
So here are some early cues to watch for:
Hyperarousal (the “Too Much” State):
Tight jaw
Racing thoughts
Feeling everything at once
Irritability
The urge to fix, control, move, do
Talking faster
Feeling “amped” but not in a good way
Overwhelm hitting like a flash flood
Sudden anxiety spikes
Hypoarousal (the “Too Little” State):
Numbness
Disconnection
Exhaustion that doesn’t match your day
Brain fog
Feeling like you’re behind a glass wall
Thoughts slowing
Loss of motivation
Wanting to hide or disappear
Feeling like you’re underwater
Both states are protection — just different branches of the survival tree.
You’re not broken. You’re not failing. Your system is doing exactly what it was designed to do when it believes safety is slipping. But recognizing it in real time is the first doorway back in.
Why “Expanding Your Window” Isn’t About Being Calm All the Time
If you’ve ever thought:
“I should be able to handle more.”
“Why am I so sensitive?”
“Why can’t I just stay regulated like normal people?”
Let me tell you something that is really important. Your window isn’t supposed to be infinite. You’re not meant to be an emotionless stone statue that never reacts to anything. A healthy nervous system moves. It shifts. It responds. It recovers. Then it moves on with the next thing.
Expansion and self-awareness isn’t about eliminating stress responses.... it’s about increasing your flexibility and decreasing the fallout.
You want a nervous system that can ride the waves, not one that pretends the ocean doesn’t exist.
How to Gently Expand Your Threshold (Instead of Forcing It)
Here’s where most people go wrong, and there's so many reasons why. But really, when people come up on resistance it is because they try to force their system open. They push their edges. They try to just "power through". They “biohack.”
They add more cold plunges, more breathwork, more supplements, more intensity, more challenge…
But if your system is already overwhelmed, you don’t expand your window by adding more intensity.
You expand it by adding capacity.
Here are a few idea's how to grow your nervous system capacity.....
1. Micro-regulation, not giant interventions
People love to talk to me about how they can sit in meditation for an hour. And if you can, great. But, what are you going to do for the other 23 hours of the day to carry your mindfulness and presence with you? How do you stay in that headspace when you are in the midst of challenge?
In my opinion, humans love to over estimate the value of intensity and under value consistency. And I see that happen very regularly when we are talking about nervous system regulation.
Two minutes of grounding, done ten times a day, is far more powerful than one forced 20-minute meditation you hate.
Keep in mind that your nervous system loves repetition, not heroics.
2. Co-regulation
Humans regulate humans. Safe people expand your window, and supportive environments expand your window. Regulated interactions expand your window.
But remember that this principle goes both ways.... People, places, and other animals can help to regulate you but they can disregulate you just as fast.
This is why certain relationships feel like home, and others feel like walking on legos in the middle of a desert listening to a Justin Bieber concert.
3. Sensory nourishment
Your window is heavily shaped by your sensory load. Try these things next time your feeling like you have hit your threshold
Warm drink
Weighted blanket
Sun on your face
Slower music
Soft lighting
Gentle movement
A scent that signals “you’re okay”
Your body responds to cues long before your mind catches on.
4. Predictability and structure
Routines reduce danger signals for your nervous system.... Meaning that your brain relaxes when it knows what’s coming.
This is why mornings with kids can feel like an absolute war zone. It is a perfect nervous system storm.... You have zero predictability, and maximum sensory chaos.
And your nervous system screaming "REGULATORS!!!! MOUNT UP!!!" Now, where is that coffee.
5. Movement that doesn’t stress your system
Contrary to Instagram influencer advice, you don’t always need a high-intensity reset. Instead you might need:
Walking
Gentle yoga
Elliptical at a steady pace
Stretching
Free movement
Shaking
Hip mobility work (you know I love this one)
Movement metabolizes stress.
But only when it matches your current state.
6. Stop ignoring early cues
Your window doesn’t shrink because you’re weak. It shrinks because you keep overriding the signs that you’re at your limit.
If you treat your nervous system like a machine, it will eventually act like one and grind to a halt.
7. Ask your body what would feel 10% better, not perfect
That’s how you expand a threshold gently. Not with leaps, but with small permissions consistently.
What a Bigger Threshold Actually Looks and Feels Like
Let me give you a real-life picture, because many people have never experienced this consistently:
You start noticing overwhelm before it becomes full panic
You can pause without spiraling
You can rest without guilt
You can say “no” without bracing for impact
You think more clearly
You laugh more
Your relationships feel less like landmines
You bounce back faster
Your emotional swings soften
You can stay present in your body
You don’t dread your own internal world
You don’t need to micromanage everything
You feel more… yourself
This is what nervous system safety actually gives you.
A life that feels livable. And a self that feels accessible.
Your Threshold Changes Daily And That’s Normal
The biggest myth online is that the range of Tolerance is fixed. And that if we are regulated that nothing will bother us. We will be calm and smooth through all of life's challenges.
It’s not.
Your range is different when:
You slept well
You ate real food
You had magnesium
You got sunlight
Your hormones are balanced
You aren’t overloaded
You had social support
You had alone time
You weren’t bombarded with sensory chaos
Your window is also different when:
You’re in conflict
You’re in perimenopause
You’re sick
You’re overwhelmed
You’re in a transition
You’re carrying grief
You’re worried about finances
You’re absorbing other people’s dysregulation
You’re overstimulated
You’re not imagining it. Your capacity is a living thing. And the more you work with your nervous system instead of against it, the more life becomes co-creative instead of draining.
Why Understanding Your Window Changes Everything
This is the part people underestimate.
When you know your window:
You stop blaming yourself
You stop calling yourself lazy
You stop expecting superhuman output
You stop pushing past your signals
You stop collapsing into shutdown
You start giving yourself what you actually need
You stop trying to mindset your way out of biology
You reduce the emotional whiplash
You understand your kid’s nervous system better
You create healthier boundaries
You become more resilient, not more hardened
You finally feel like you have a map
Because “dysregulation” is not the enemy. Feeling unsafe is not the enemy. Your survival responses are not the enemy.
The real issue is when you don’t know where you are.
Once you can track your nervous system states, everything becomes navigable. We are able to respond to situations, rather than react wildly because our system is telling us that there is danger every where and we need to protect ourselves.
A Simple Way to Start Right Now
Here’s the most practical thing you can do today, and it is just one step.
Name the nervous system state you’re in (without judgment) and then give your body what would help it feel 10% safer.
Not perfect. Not healed. Just safer.
Inside window → nurture
Hyperarousal → downshift
Hypoarousal → upshift
That’s all. Start there. Your system will meet you.
If you have questions, or feel like you want to start doing more to support your nervous system feel free to contact me or you can check out my signature course on nervous system regulation and training here.