Socially Acceptable Numbing, and the Illusion of Healing

Not all avoidance looks like dysfunction.

In fact, many of the most common numbing behaviors in our culture are highly rewarded, even within health and wellness communities. We tend to recognize addiction when it shows up as substance abuse or self-destruction.

But what about the people who are “doing great” on paper?

What about the spiritual seeker cycling through breathwork journeys and plant medicine ceremonies every month, but still unable to be in a secure, connected relationship?

What about the "spiritual" woman who is raising four kids solo, hustling like hell for her worth through real estate investments and portfolios, while declaring she’s better off alone forever (and proud of it)?

What about the executive corperate coach with a 6-figure business who’s constantly “hustling” but never slows down enough to feel her own grief?

We don’t call that numbing: we call it strength, independence, drive, empowerment.

But in many cases, these behaviors aren’t signs of integration. They’re signs of disconnection wearing a wellness mask.

We live in a world that rewards the performance of healing more than the reality of it.

Success, independence, even spirituality can become sophisticated ways to avoid feeling, and ultimately "doing the work".

Numbing is Not Just Substances

Numbing is any behavior we use to disconnect from discomfort, especially emotions we don’t want to feel. And it’s not limited to the obvious vices. These are behaviors that we use similar to addiction to substances, meaning we use them unconsciously, and compulsively.

We get in a fight with our spouse or our coworker and immediately do what?

Here’s how it often shows up:

Scrolling mindlessly through social media is masked as staying up to date on current events

Workaholism masked as ambition

Overexercising masked as discipline

Caretaking masked as selflessness

Shopping masked as self-care

Wine culture masked as community

Spiritual bypassing masked as enlightenment

Psychedelic highs masked as healing

These patterns also tend to follow gendered lines, shaped by both biology and current cultural norms:

Men are more likely to numb through performance: work, sex, control, porn, and risk.

Women often numb through emotional suppression: food, overgiving, shopping, people-pleasing, and isolation.

Because these coping mechanisms are legal, normalized, and even praised, they’re rarely questioned by society OR by the individual using them.

The New Age of Numbing: Altered States Without Altered Traits

A new wave of spiritual and wellness practices is unintentionally enabling a deeper form of avoidance. It looks like growth on the surface, but it skips the roots.

Plant medicine, breathwork, biohacks, kundalini activation, “downloads,” trauma releases, these are extremely powerful tools when used appropriately. But increasingly, they’re being used like drugs: to escape the ordinary, bypass discomfort, and chase peak states without integration.

This is what I call “altered states without altered traits.”

The person keeps going back to ceremony, or to the "healer", or the "energy worker" but never actually shifts their relationship patterns, nervous system regulation, or emotional availability.

Instead of grounding and relational repair, they accumulate spiritual experiences like badges. They become more enchanted, but not more embodied.

When “Empowerment” Is Actually Armor

I came across a recent post that said:

“Why have I been alone for so long? I get asked that a lot, especially since I’m raising four kids solo, own homes, and have my own ranch. I’m healthier raising my children not in a relationship and this is so true for so many others. You don’t have to be with somebody else to be successful and happy. Never forget that.”

It sounds like empowerment. But let’s ask a deeper question:

Is this a healthy boundary, or is it a wall?

There’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing solitude as a conscious, nourishing season of life. In fact, for many, it’s necessary in order to truly find what is us, and what is ego. But when we begin to identify with our solitude as a form of moral superiority or emotional safety, it has then become spiritual armor.

Statements like:

“I’m better off alone,”

“No one can meet me where I’m at,”

“People drain my energy”

“I’m too healed for relationships”

All too often, these statements don’t arise from wholeness. They stem from unmetabolized wounds. From unresolved trauma that’s been wrapped in empowerment language. But beneath the performance, they reflect a nervous system still on high alert still guarding, still bracing, still convinced that intimacy equals danger.

And biologically, this state is not normal, or sustainable. Humans are fundamentally relational beings. We are wired for bonding, co-regulation, and attachment. Our nervous systems are designed to develop and stabilize in connection with others, not in isolation. In early development, we regulate our nervous systems through caregivers, this is called co-regulation. Contrary to popular belief that need doesn’t vanish in adulthood; it evolves into a more sophisticated need. Relationships become a mirror and container for our healing. Avoiding them entirely keeps our nervous system stuck in self-protection rather than allowing it to build adaptive resilience through connection. Relationships, in particular, trigger deep-rooted neurobiological systems tied to survival, reproduction, emotional safety, and meaning.

To deny that need doesn’t make someone evolved... it often means they’ve learned to fear the very thing they long for most.

Avoidance disguised as sovereignty is still avoidance.

A truly grounded individual, one who has done the internal work of emotional regulation, nervous system repair, and relational integration will not collapse in the face of another person’s mood or leadership style. They don’t need to isolate themselves to protect their peace.

They can sit in discomfort without retreating or attacking.

They can walk beside others without losing themselves.

This is the real work. Not building a fortress of independence, but cultivating the capacity to stay open.

Especially when it's hard to do all of that.

Chronic emotional suppression and social isolation aren't just uncomfortable. In complete truth to an evolutionary principle they are biologically taxing. Over time, they contribute to dysregulated stress responses, hormonal imbalances, and even immune dysfunction. This is why the illusion of independence can quietly lead to breakdown... mental, emotional, and physical.

So What Does Real Integration Look Like?

True integration isn’t just about feeling better or being high-functioning. It’s not about regulating yourself into solitude or achieving your way out of pain.

Real healing shows up in how we relate. Not how we stay alone.

It looks like:

The ability to stay grounded in uncomfortable conversations

Feeling your emotions without needing to suppress or fix them

Being open to connection, even when it's vulnerable

Trusting your body instead of dominating it

Choosing behaviors that nourish instead of numb

Integration isn’t about constantly chasing altered states. It’s about cultivating the capacity to be with what is your fear, your grief, your joy, your boundaries, your longings without needing to escape.

It’s not about being alone because it’s safer.

It’s about being with others without abandoning yourself, and denying your own humanness.

From Escaping to Embodying

If your healing never softens you, never increases your capacity for presence, never brings you closer to others… then it may not be integration.

It might just be coping in a more polished package.

Healing doesn’t mean you always feel good.
It means you’re able to feel everything, and stay present through it. And that you choose to stay soft, and be vulnerable even when it might hurt.

Especially when it might hurt.

Let’s stop confusing high-functioning avoidance with wellness.

Let’s stop chasing transcendence and start practicing presence.

You don’t have to earn your way into wholeness through effort, ascension, or isolation. True healing isn’t about controlling your experience, it’s about becoming intimate with it. You are allowed to soften. You are allowed to stay. You are allowed to live fully in this body, in this moment, in connection.... with others, and with yourself.

You don’t need more tools.
You need space to feel what’s real, and the support to stay with it.